For it’s St. Paddy’s today, I want to tell you the story of the Beer Fairy, as I’ve heard it from this old chap with a cap and a greyhoud, called Cillian, some years ago, whilst somewhere in Connemara, or Enniskerry, can’t recall the exact spot.
The beer fairy, seems to be a nice fairy, but in fact she is a mischievous one, and you’ll see my point in a bit. I am sure you all met her at some point, you just didn’t realize that it was her. What she does is she shows up in the middle of a party, she sits on your shoulder, pets you on your head, she actually makes you feel happy. After the first few beers she makes your face go rubbery. It’s still ok. Then, after quite a few more pints, when you feel that you’ve had enough for the night, and it is time to go home, as you are a responsible person, and least of an alcoholic, she wrecks your head to stay, have another one, and another one, and on she goes: ‘c’mon, have another pint!’, ‘c’mon now, just one more beer, are you a puff or what?’. You have no option, but to obey… So, when you are left with no money, and so are your mates, or when the pub runs out of beer, or there is absolutely no way to drink more for one reason or another, off you go, starting your trip home. The beer fairy is still on your shoulder, grinning at you, sitting and waiting. She is ‘guiding’ you home, on the most twisted path possible. Now her time has come, so be aware. The whole street starts to spin with you, and, shit! the pavement just hit both of your knees at the same time! and it peeled the skin off your nose?! Unbelievable! Actually it’s not you, no – it’s the beer fairy that makes all these bad things happen… You carry on, trying to convince yourself that you know where you actually are, but the beer fairy is tellin’ ya where to go, so do not worry if you pass near the same old church twice, you’ll get home, eventually. Finally, you arrive at your doorstep, stagger in your room and climb up in the bed. Now the fun part begins! But not for you, laddie… She slowly pushes you into a deep sleep. When it’s absolutely sure that you are snoozing well, the beer fairy pulls off her trousers, and she does what she’s been waiting for aaaallll niiiight long (and now you can see why I was saying that she’s actually quite naughty) : she pees in your mouth! So next time when you wake up after a hell-of-a-drinking kind of a night, with a bad taste in your mouth, you know that the beer fairy visited you!
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